just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to align my fucking chakras
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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