Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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