Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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