just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
