Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!