Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
