Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
