When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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