You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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