May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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