we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
