the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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