just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
