She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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