the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
