So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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