I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
