hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
