New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
