dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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