If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
