i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
