I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i out mim tonsoeep
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