LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
