my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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