Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
