This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
