I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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