She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
