I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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