Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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