i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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