so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
