so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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