Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
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Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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