I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
