I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
