if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
