wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
