worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
