im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
