Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
