he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i think i have two assholes
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
