I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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