Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
