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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
