Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
