drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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