i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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