there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.