Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How does one acquire holy water?