It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
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That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids