Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico