On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
