She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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