Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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