He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
