guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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