I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i love accidental penises.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
