So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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