so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
