Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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