last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
