If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
