I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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